Converting Meters into Inches
by Cookirini
Summary: Pluto has been demoted from being a planet of the solar system. What does the soldier bearing the name think of all this? Does the IAU's decision even matter to her? A fic of protest, revised.


_August 24th, 2006. Tokyo._

"SETSUNA-SAAAN!"

The invasion was swift, unexpected, and right in the middle of Setsuna Meiou's lunch. A blast of wind propelled into the kitchen before the creator of the wind - a young girl in her teens - burst into the room, a newspaper in her hand. A wild look in her eyes, it was apparent she had something to tell the older woman, something so urgent that it involved interrupting the ingestion of a turkey sandwich and a pitcher of lemonade on a quiet summer afternoon.

"Setsuna-san!" Usagi Tsukino was out of breath as she stopped. "Setsuna, I...they...it...I...you're...your world..."

"Mmm." Setsuna swallowed what she had in her mouth and took another bite, not bothering to look at the younger girl. "Hmm?"

"Setsuna-san..." Usagi's eyes were clearly starting to water. "The astronomers...Prague...they...they..._you're no longer a planet!_"

"Mmm."

"You're not part of the solar system anymore!" Usagi threw the paper down. "Its on the front page! What are we going to do! You...your planet...your power...what'll happen to it!"

"Hmm."

Usagi looked at Setsuna frantically, hoping she had an answer, a piece of hope for herself, Instead, the soldier of time didn't seem to even have any reaction to the news as she took yet another bite into her sandwich.

"Setsuna-san..."

"...So silly." The response was a surprise to Usagi. "Honestly. They think they know everything about what a planet is."

"Huh?"

"There's nothing to worry about, Usagi." Setsuna calmly put her sandwich down. "I knew this would happen, and I was there this morning when they announced it. Even if I wasn't there, I have friends who called me with the news."

"I..."

"But regardless of what they say, or how much they rejoice, I'm still a planet."

"B-but this governing body thing sa-"

"The International Astronomical Union has no clue what they're talking about. I hardly call them an authority, when barely 1/5th of their members actually voted to demote my world," Setsuna waved her hand abruptly. "Aside from that, any body that says orbits can't cross when Neptune's orbit also crosses my planet's and says that planets must have a 'nearly' round shape through hydrostatic equilibrium when everyone's orbit is elliptical to begin with...well...then there's everyone else outside our system to consider."

"Eh...what?" Usagi blinked. "'Near round'? 'Ellipitc...eclilipl'... 'hydroste'...eheh..."

"...Never mind. Just know," Setsuna wiped her hands, "That humanity's tendency to make organizational systems for things beyond their comprehension is a faulty gesture at best. Sorry to malign the species we were reborn as, but...it is true when it comes to any idea involving abstraction., It leaves out many things which more advanced civilizations would not. So, Pluto is a planet."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"But..the IAU is the world's foremost expert on planets and astronomy and stuff."

"And their most famous astronomer is a man who named a satellite after his favorite TV show." Setsuna looked at Usagi, her face giving off a bored expression. "Usagi, just to help you understand how humans can be ineffective in organizing things...Convert your statistics into the Imperial system."

"My statistics?"

"Height, mass, things like that." Setsuna nodded. "Try converting them into pounds, inches and what have you, right now."

"Um...ok..."

Usagi took a napkin from the center of the table, just as Haruka and Michiru entered the room. Both had ridiculous grins on their faces as they sat down at the table, both of them looking at Setsuna.

"Hello, Setsuna-chan." Haruka helped herself to lemonade. "Congrats on being declassified into a random object that is possibly now of the Kuiper system!"

"We were going to go outside and protest with signs," Michiru spoke as the two sat down, "but we figured it would be pointless since the IAU isn't going along with the overwhelming public opinion. But, how _do_ you feel?"

"Feels like I just ate a sandwich, actually." Still looking bored, Setsuna took a sip from her drink. "I'm just showing Usagi-chan the pointlessness of counting on human statistics in a situation like this."

"Oh, how nice." Michiru gave a little chuckle. "Well, obviously Usagi isn't the only one reacting over the news."

"Oh?" This got Setsuna's attention. "Who else is reacting?"

"Your friend, Sailor Charon."

"Charon..."

Usagi finished listing her statistics at this point, and she scratched her head before writing down the conversion numbers. Unfortunately, she'd never been taught the Imperial system, as most people didn't even use it. So she was making up numbers as she went.

"Thirty kilos...divided by...um...2..."

"_That's_ a sailor I didn't think I'd hear from again." Setsuna took a sip. "Let me guess, she contacted your castle due to your proximity to both me and the Kuiper system?"

"_They_," Michiru corrected. "We had five soldiers from Kuiper Providence jamming our communicators, demanding that we cede you to them immediately. And Charon said she wanted her castle back. _Again_."

"What did you tell them?"

"I told Charon she could move in immediately..."

"Pfft." Setsuna spat out her lemonade with a giggle. "_Haruka!_"

"I told them all to go away." Haruka's grin widened at Setsuna's reaction. "To stop bothering us, and that Sailor Vulcan needed to brush her teeth because I could see the plaque on them."

"Was there a Sedna there too?"

"Yup, another pretender." Haruka studied her nails. "As if we're stupid enough to think that there's enough power for a soldier to represent that satellite. Just because we're on Earth."

"That makes at least 50 'Sailor Sednas' that I know of."

"I'm surprised Princess Kuiper hasn't blown up that place to put everyone out of their misery..."

"_Anyways_, the soldiers weren't too happy, but they all got the message." Michiru took her own napkin and wiped her nose. "Really. the Kuiper soldiers need to calm down, especially when it comes to humans classifying them as planets. I don't get why they care - they all go by the moon kingdom's definition."

"Because Earth is the prominent system civilization now. But I agree, the Silver Millennium way was much more efficient." Setsuna nodded. "A world that had its own soldier was a true planet, plain and simple. Much better than this planet classification nonsense they're trying to put on my home world with what is a planet."

"Or a 'dwarf planet'."

"Or 'trans-Neptunian object'."

"Or the all-purpose PC term 'small solar system body'." Haruka took the lemonade and poured herself a glass. "Say_ that_ ten times fast."

"Um..." Usagi scratched her head. "I _think_ you multiply this by 107..."

Setsuna glanced at Usagi's conversion work thus far when she heard the girl's confused voice. When she saw the numbers, she tried hard not to laugh.

"B-besides..." Setsuna was starting to grin. "I'd rather not be around someone like Sailor Hecate."

"Hecate..." Michiru paused. "Wasn't she the one that wanted to be a serial killer when she got older?"

"That would be the one." The three girls chuckled at the memory. "Its a good thing she's not here. She'd probably start killing little babies because they cried."

"Don't forget Sailor Eris. She's almost as bad, I heard." Haruka took a sip. "A schemer in every way. I could tell by her eyes, how they stared at me on-screen, that it had to be true."

"Oooh, Sailor Eris." Setsuna nodded. "Yes, I remember when she almost caused the Kuiper and Kinmoku systems to go to war over a defective hairdryer."

"_Kinmoku_? Really?" Michiru was surprised. "When did _that_ happen?"

"A very long time ago." Setsuna was clearly savoring the memory. "She loves to cause trouble, and she's pretty tough. I once had to smash her in the head quite a few times to prevent her from blowing up the Cetus constellation."

"Hmmm." Michiru closed her eyes. "Maybe we could sic her on those astronomers, since they nicknamed her planet 'Xena'..."

"What a crappy name..." Haruka rolled her eyes. "The real name, '2003 UB313 ' isn't much better, but..."

"No, absolutely not!" Setsuna raised her hand. "I have a much better idea."

"What?"

"Strap them down and force them to watch nothing but Xena for a month." Setsuna was clearly having fun. "And _then_ we sic Eris _and_ Hecate on them. But Marc Brown lives, so we can tie him up and tickle-torture him."

"_Michael_ Brown, Setsuna-chan."

"Hey, that's a good idea!" Michiru giggled. "Teach them to name planets after trashy television!"

"Astronomers...next we'll have Orcus being renamed planet Baywatch-"

"Guys?"

The three soldiers turned their heads towards Usagi. She was looking at her napkin, which had a giant tear in them middle. All over it, there were scribble marks and messy numbers.

"Um..." Usagi began to sweat. "Thirteen thousand pounds? I weigh thirteen thousand pounds! And I'm two inches tall!"

"What?"

"...You don't know how to convert from metric, do you?"

"Waaah..." Tears started forming in Usagi's eyes. "No fair! This is too hard."

"You see?" Setsuna pat Usagi on the back. "Fallible. Too complicated. They don't even teach conversion anymore because it's that bad."

"So...then...that means you're still a planet?"

"Yes, Usagi." Setsuna smiled. "Maybe not to _some_ people, but we all know the truth about the solar system here, right?"

"Yeah..." Usagi sniffed. "I guess we humans are kind of dumb."

"...Basically." Haruka grinned. "We are."

"And a good amount of us can't use proper hygiene."

"Neither can Sailor Vulcan."

"Sailor _who_?"

Usagi's eyes widened at this. Looking from Setsuna, to Michiru, to Haruka and back again, she saw their grinning faces, obviously keeping something from her. Had she been paying attention to the conversation, she wouldn't have missed what was spoken. On the other hand, the three had spoken of things Usagi would not have understood; it would be some time before she would even learn of the Kuiper soldiers, Setsuna knew.

It was better that way, to simply leave things as they were.

"It's nothing, Usagi." The sun shone in on the four girls - the moon, Neptune, Uranus...and Pluto - all of the true solar system. "Nothing at all."

_fin_

-----------------------------

_Copyright 2006-2007. _

_The information regarding the IAU vote being less than 1/5th of the total conference, and the pieces of the definition stated in Setsuna's explanation in the beginning is, in fact, accurate. Only 300 astronomers, out of 2,500 attending, actually voted to downgrade Pluto. As a writer who does not usually take the time to state her opinions in her fanfiction, let alone use fanfiction to let loose my opinions on things using these characters, I am nevertheless greatly displeased with this type of sloppy scientific apathy, and will hence refuse to acknowledge this 'result' as nothing more than a sham until a truly proper vote is taken. _

_Either way, the debate is not dead unless we let it die. I urge you not to let this example of scientific incompetence go by the wayside. Say it out loud in your school, to anyone you know in the the field, that you refuse to accept this as an example of universal solidarity in the name of scientific progress and planet classification!_

_The Sailor Vulcan, Sailor Charon, and Sailor Hecate characters in this story are sailors created by me. Though somewhat common, they are the best representatives of potential 'classical' planet names. _

_Thanks to Richforce for pointing out that 'Xena' is a nickname - a slight oversight on my part._

REVISION: _'Xena' was renamed 'Eris' several weeks after the decision, on September 6, 2006. I finally got to changing the story to reflect that, though this takes place before the official naming. Of course, then again, you never know. :)_

_-J.D., nee Cookirini._


End file.
